It's ok to eat fish because they don't have any feelings

It's been almost a whole year since I've been in Panama. It's quite an accomplishment but I still feel pretty numb about it. The significance of it has yet to sink in and I feel like I am still struggling in some areas but in others I have made some pretty big strides. All in all it doesn't feel like a year has changed that much. I still wake up and go through a similar routine day in, day out. It does remind me, though, of how long it's been since I've been home and how much I miss my family and friends. There are still days when the complete lonliness and alienation makes everything seem impossible. Lucklily, those days are few and far between now. I'm really focusing on work now, but I need to get more comfortable getting people to work with me. My counterpart from Aguadulce is always ready and willing to help with whatever but my actual
community members aren't really interested in anything I have to offer unless it's an on-demand English class (meaning I will be at their beck and call all hours to teach them whenever they feel like it). My awesome volunteer friend from Colon came to visit and demonstrate how to build a vivero (seed planter thing) and absolutely no one but my counterpart showed up. I was hurt because people have been asking me about gardening and stuff. The thing is, I always end up taking it personally and blaming myself... maybe I didn't give enough notice, maybe I didn't explain what we were going to do well, maybe a semillero wasn't what they had in mind. It's a cycle in which I get angry at everyone here for not working, then turn it on myself for not being good at my job, then I feel guilty for being so angry all of the time, then sad because I think that maybe people don't approach me because I'm angry all of the time. Grr. But enough with the venting. Please excuse it, I'm just trying to share the real experience of being a volunteer, good and challenging. It helps to put myself in the community's shoes. If I were them I would ignore the gringa and lay in a hammock too. Absolutely I would. So I need to let it go. That doesn't help how it makes me look to the office though but that's a whole other can of worms.

The last volunteers built an events hall and a playground, two huge projects, and I just can't for the life of me see how they coordinated that. I wish I could talk to them for advice. I always go back to thinking that I don't "get out there" enough. I have defintely come out of my shell with my volunteer friends, my counterpart, and my tutee, but not the community in general. Maybe I'm afraid of seeming unprofessional. I just wish they knew I have a sense of humor. I could probably get more done if they knew.

But, with the things I have planned for after Semana Santa people should start to see me as a resource, I hope. I'm doing two teacher trainings, one with counterpart (but he's already on team Peace Corps) and the new English teacher who seems amazing. I framed it as an observation period followed by a presentation of the methodology the embassy trained us in so I should definitely learn a thing or two from her as well. I'm also hoping to do a group building training with the tourism coop and while the government agency for coops (IPACOOP) loves me for trying to do this, the community members in charge could care less. Even more, I think the leaders I've been trying to get interested may actually dislike me. At the very least they look at me like I'm a mentally challenged iguana with one leg sawed off. Maybe I'm paranoid but they try their hardest to talk about anything BUT this training I want to do. You can try to get people to work smarter but you can't force them. The recycling project is chugging along and we have all the letters and project description hand outs to get started. Now we just need community and government support.

I've had a few adventures since I wrote last. I visited Aguadulce with my counterpart. It was pretty cool and his mom made good food. Where he lives is as suburban as it gets for Panama which was an interesting contrast. Really my favorite thing was just talking music with him and his buddy Carlos. Carlos is a Nirvana obsessed rocker and my counterpart is into to pretty much all forms of rock/ indie. I hipped them to Yo La Tengo and they layed some Cien Fue on me. It was really good stuff. This one song "Somos Terroristas" got in my head fast (in a good way). They inspired me to listen to some Led Zeppelin. I've been meaning to listen to more rock to understand Walt's songwriting better and now I'm finally getting around to it. To balance that out my friend from Colon let me burn her new Vampire Weekend album, which I liked a lot. It's kind of like they perfected what they were trying to go for in the first one and now they sound less like ripping off Graceland and more like they have their own sound. It's a little hard for me to admit I like a band that has songs called "horchata" (which includes the word "balaklava" by the way... and they're not European), and "Oxford Comma", and "Campus" but they are on to something. I guess it's redeeming that they wear their hipness on their sweater sleeves.
I also listened to Nevermind again after years and years and it was like hearing it for the first time. I think it's time that bands got loud again. The whole pop church choir, string quartet thing is cool but probably about to run it's course. The thing that the alterna-rockers never got was that what made that album interesting wasn't the whining... (in fact, that the lyrics don't really make enough narrative sense to whine saves it) it's the controled catharsis. It's turning the guitars up way too loud, beating the drums too hard, and screaming your melody. It's the tension between the feedback and the melody. Anyway, it was nice to enjoy the record out of the context of the hype and could shake the image of Saint Cobain and simply say, "that boy was a fine songwriter. Cheers". What else...? The water has been on for only a few minutes a day lately and it killed most of the vegetables I planted. It never rains in this part of Panama in the summer you see so I need to water them. That was sad. Oh well... when the rain comes, we'll start again. This week is Semana Santa so HOARDS of people, literal busloads, have decended on the beach here. I have never seen so many cars on our little road. People celebrate Easter time here by going on vacations and drinking a lot. It's way different than back home. Nary a chocolate egg in sight. It's funny because it's illegal to sell alcohol on Friday and Saturday of the week but people just stock up before hand. Seems like a silly law since people just "pre-buy" the hooch. Last week my visitor from Colon and some local volunteer buddies went to a feria nearby. There
were all kinds of craft tents and food stalls and even a carnival! We went on the bumper cars. I wanted to crash into this kid from my community who is always really obnoxious to me but he got off right before we got on. There was even a PH (pretty sure I explained what that is in the last post). Tons of my community members were there and our dance group performed. We
watched some cow wrangling games and one of my friend's teams whooped up on my town's team. Sad. He also bought a belt buckle that had a lighter built into that said "Tupac". It was the greatest thing I've ever seen. MY other buddy finally got herself a Panama hat! She was doubtful but I hope by now she has learned to love it. And then unfortunately my friend from Colon lost
her wallet and camera at the PH. Luckily, she said there wasn't much in the wallet and that she had a good time anyway. I would hate for her to walk away with a bad impression of the Azuero because of that. Other than that, there is not much to tell. I'm thinking of going to a baseball game tomorrow but am not sure I should spend the money getting there. We'll see!

We can't stop here. This is bat country.

It's been a while since I posted because this month has been pretty busy. I was out of site for the first two weeks for seminars. The first was a TEFL conference all the way in Changinola, Bocas del Toro. The idea was that volunteers from my sector would take teachers from our communities to be trained in the SIOP model, which is basically a system for making sure your classes and super interactive, built on previous lessons, and offer stronger students a chance to help those who need more time to catch the lesson. I didn't have a teacher to take because the English teacher here lives outside the community and speaks no English. This is a pretty common problem, especially in the campo. Since the seminar was in English, she would have spent 12 hours on a bus for nothing. I did, however, get to work with some great English teachers and brush up on my own understanding of SIOP. I even met a teacher from my province and we had an English/Spanish bad word exchange. It was pretty silly and now I know that a lot of the shouting from the cantinas is just cursing. I'm so glad I made the trip. I learned a lot and it was so heartening to see teachers open and receptive to new ideas. I'd like to put together a training for the High School teachers in town nearby but it would probably have to be in Spanish. We have agency meetings coming up so I'll see what's up with the ministry of education to see how feasible it is.

It was also pretty cool to see another part of Panama. I've been to Bocas once for my volunteer site visit but never to Changinola. I was surprised at how different it is from Los Santos. Our capital of Las Tablas is an attempt at a Spanish pueblo. It is centered around a cathedral and a plaza. A lot of the buildings have a Spanish flavor but Changinola is much more Carribean. The colors are wacky blues, pinks, and yellows instead of Mediterranean tones. Plus it was green and all the trees didn't look dead. Around here everything is dry grassland now but over there it's relatively jungle like. I even took a walk through a Chiquita Banana plantation and got crop dusted with pesticides! Another difference is that there are way, way more Ngobes (Don't think I've ever seen any in Las Tablas) so culturally, people are a little more reserved on the street yet more likely to hit you up for spare change.

After that I met up with my new counterpart and headed off to PML (Project Management Leadership). This was another great seminar on leadership and running groups. For me, it was invaluable because we came away with a game-plan for starting an environmental group here. Counterpart even came up with a great logo. I can't really put into words here how good it feels to have a plan after trying to nail down specifics with campesinos (who are allergic to specifics) for so long. For the first time in my service I feel like I have control.

On a personal level, it was cool to get to know Counterpart. I feel like we could call each other friends now which is nice because I still feel like I don't have many friends in site. Maybe it's more accurate to say I don't have friends I have anything in common with but Counterpart and I like similar music (a FIRST here in Panama!) and he is dedicated to starting a project so we can talak about that. Sometimes I just run out of things to say to say to my campesinos. We both know it's hot... We both know it hasn't rained in months... My family's fine, thanks. Anyway, it's just refreshing.

The only bummer was that my ear infection I've been fighting on and off since November came back with a vengeance. I got super dizzy and had to miss the last half of the final day because it was too much work to stay vertical. The next day I headed to Chitre to meet my buddies for carnival so I stopped in at the doctor before they all showed up. I got my very first shot in butt. I have to admit, it was the most painful, most sore-making shot I've had in memory. Way worse than tetanus. The nurse was down there for a good 7 seconds which is an eternity when you can feel medication forcing its way into your rump. It was worth it though because my ear stopped pussing pretty quickly. Right now I'm on antibiotics that make me exhausted all the time but It'll be over soon. I'd been pretty healthy for a while so I guess it was time for a crash. Panama catches up with you.

But way more interesting than my little boo-boo is carnival! This guy from Miami who owns a hostel in Chitre left my friend in charge of the building so we turned it into a Peace Corps club house. We had water balloons, a kiddie pool on the roof, and even a megaphone! So, how carnival works is that they have street food EVERYWHERE! Yum. They bring in trucks of river water to hose people down (the mojadera) and play loud music all day and night. There are also floats of gay dudes... I guess carnival is the only time they can be openly fabulous in this machismo culture... and of course there is... the REINA! All feathers and sequins. There is something magical about it.

We had a good time apart from the fact that I got peed on and two of my buddies got robbed. Apparently, it's custom to pee your pants at carnival because there are so few bathrooms and you're getting hosed down anyway. Well, this dude let loose while my foot was nearby. As for the robberies, it wasn't so bad considering we were almost all gringos, or would be mistaken for gringos by Panamanians. It could have been a lot worse seeing as we're just giant targets. But, nothing was lost that can't be replaced and although my friends were annoyed, they remained unflappable.

So now I'm back in site ready to work but my community isn't. Apparently carnival isn't enough so I have to wait until "carnivalito" is over this weekend to pick up tutoring and work on the group. I'm thinking I should give up work ethic for Lent...

Back in the U S of A!

My vacation home for the holidays went too fast but it was wonderful. I didn't get to see all the people I wanted to but I did my best given the limited time and I am pretty pleased. Even though there was two feet of snow on the ground my heart was warm and toasty being around my loved ones. (Yeah, I said it. Cheeeeeeze). I suppose it hadn't been that long compared with how long some PC volunteers wait to go home but I was still overwhelmed and sniveling with joy when the plane touched down. Then I was in full on tears when I saw my mom and boyfriend who had come to pick me up. It's hard to describe that pure joy of suddenly being surround by people you love and love you after being an alien for 7 months. There is rush of belonging and understanding. All of a sudden everything around makes sense. You know why people are acting the way they are. Order is restored in your little world.

I never thought I'd say this, but the thing I missed most about the US apart from mi gente is convenience. You want hot water? BAM! You want to call someone? BAM! You want to find your favorite chocolate bar? BAM! It's at the store. It is utterly amazing how fast and easily things happen. It is pretty easy to adjust to having a grocery store trip take all day but it is so much nicer when it doesn't.

The only bad thing is that my bag got lost on the way back. The airport thinks that a woman who left a very similar bag probably took mine. I'm doubtful though because why would she leave her bag there for week while she carting around mine? She likes my clothes better maybe? I don't know. The whole thing is suspicious and really inconvient. I even brought home my sheets to wash them and they were in the bag so now I'm sleeping on a filthy bare mattress.

Filth is also taking some getting used to. I'm not a neat freak but I came home to a house full of roach and lizard poop and my water has been running on a trickle or not at all so it's been difficult to make the place liveable again. I swear the roaches launched a colonization campaign while I was gone. I haven't seen this many before but I'm hoping the spray will do the trick.

I started my English tutoring classes yesterday and one household decided to go to a party during scheduled class time and didn't inform me. Big surprise there. And at the other class I only had to wait an hour for the girl to show. Not so bad. The class itself went pretty well. This morning the representate asked me for classes! I would really like to open up some sort of relationship with the dude because theoretically he can help me get stuff done but we'll see how it all pans out.

I hope everyone had great holidays!

JUNTA!!!

December is the time of the Junta de Arroz, which could be Panama's greatest gift to the world. Unfortunately, the rest of the world just hasn't caught on yet. Check this out, cutting rice is hot, boring work so what do the Panamanians do? Turn it into a party! Get your buddies to come get drunk in a field with you while you cut and then have the ladies prepare you some tasty goodness for when you finish. The best part (to my mind) is, people work for free because they know that the guy who owns the farm is going to come cut HIS OWN rice the next week. It's so beautiful. If more things in life could be this way... just people helping each other until the job is done... the world would be a better place.

I haven't actually BEEN to a junta yet because every - single - freaking - time I get invited, something comes up. Ah well... that's just how it goes here. I actually got lost the last time, no easy task where there is really only one road in town, then got sidetracked helping my counterpart in the vivero. I tried to go but on the way back I saw the guys leaving so I knew I had missed it. The community knows I want to learn how to cut so they'll let me know. They seem excited about me joining in, or maybe they just would like the novelty of a female in the finca. I think that being a girl is a plus for this, actually. I won't be forced to drink and I won't be made fun of if I don't work very hard! Unfortunately, I think the arroz is just about cortado all over town but well see if I can help out.

Thanksgiving-type thoughts...

MAKING DIA DE MADRES CARDS!!!

Things are pretty good here these days, in general. I finally feel like I'm starting to adjust to a more Panamanian way of life and what's even better is that I've got some ideas for work to do so I don't have to feel like I'm sitting on my butt all the time. I keep a list of project ideas now and while most of them will come to nothing, it helps keep me focused. Here's what's going on:

1. Work on the vivero to sell plants to support the maintenance of the Centro. (This is a really tough one because my counterpart works in construction so he's gone a lot. Also ANAM can't help when you want to sell the trees. I'm not really clear on the project yet but this group is the one that requested Peace Corps so I'm going to keep at this.)

2. Get a bathroom built in the school. (I'm starting with this one because there is already a plan so it's relatively easy. It's just a matter of coordination and fundraising. Still, something like this could take the whole two years.)

3. Get INADEH to come give a tourism course for the new tourism group.

4. Get a guide in Cero Hoya park. (Probably not going to happen because the guy that came in for ANAM with the new government doesn't really seem into the idea. Que va.)

5. Make signs for the park.

6. Put internet in the Centro. (The kids always come in to play with my computer so if there were internet that would be a huge fundraiser for this place.)

7. Tutoring program. (This is the only definite. I start in January.)

8. Start an English pen pal program with La Zapatosa school when the new school year starts.

9. Create a youth service group… kinda like co-ed boy scouts I guess… I need to think this one out more but the kids really need something to do and a few of them need serious encouragement in being good citizens.

10.Share some "best practices" with the teachers. (I have to do this carefully so I don't come off like some inexperienced snot telling these people who have taught longer than I've been alive what to do. They really do need help though. The teachers teach two classes a piece at once! I think that's the source of a lot of challenges.)

I'm writing this on día de madres which is a huge deal here unlike in the states. However, due to lack of planning and political backbiting there is no celebration this year in my site. I teamed up with an artist extranjera de canadá to host a card making event for the people though. It went pretty well I thought although my friend said it was a pretty small turn out. We were competing with a party for the Reina here AND the Reina in Tonosí though so considering that, I was impressed. [People host these parties to fund the campaign of the Reina, who is kind of like a prom queen but bigger… much bigger. They sell glossy photos of themselves and people vote for them during Carnival.]

On a mental health level, I know I'm starting to adjust because I wasn't miserable at the party for the Reina. I live next-door to the Salon de Eventos so when there is a fiesta there, it is going on at my house as well. The kids come over to play and I have to keep my bathroom open because there isn't one in the Salon, people use my electricity and water, which I pay for… basically I'm always helping at the fiestas whether I feel like it or not. This used to annoy me massively. So… sometime during the night someone dumped my shampoo and filled the bottle with water and I wasn't even really that mad! THAT'S how I know I'm starting to not sweat the small stuff. My expectations are become more in line with Panamanian life and behavior. OF COURSE some kid is going to steal my shampoo if I leave it in the bathroom… or maybe it was some drunk guys that thought it was hand soap… it doesn't matter. The point is I'm starting to expect things like that to happen and when you expect something like that it doesn't get under your skin. Same goes for people throwing trash in the vivero. Same goes for the used toilet paper on the floor. I've been here long enough to know that if I didn't want to pick up poopy paper, I should have provided a trash bag. So what right do I have to be upset? It took me a while but I'm starting to see things from a slightly more campesina view.

I've been visiting with a lot more people now as well, which helps adjustment. I realized that my initial shyness definitely makes me a horrible volunteer so I'm working on that. It's my biggest challenge I think. I need to relearn the way I've lived my entire life for at least the last fifteen years. Honestly, I spent most of my adolescence when I wasn't at school watching television, reading books, or listening to music... and now all of the sudden I'm supposed to be a social butterfly? But that's the Panamanian life. You’re rude if you don’t drop in on people, eat their food, and talk about other people. Everything my momma taught me about being respectful is turned on its head here. I was raised right but raised right for an American and, quite frankly, to be a good Panamanian I need to do things I was taught were disrespectful. This is the biggest challenge in part because it’s something the community absolutely cannot understand. They have no way of knowing what that value shift is like. They have no context for it so they just think I'm depressed or weird or not as fun as the last volunteer. Now that all this is clear to me I can start to make little changes like setting a pasear quota for the day and stuff like that.

This turned out to be more of a diary entry than I intended so I hope you'll excuse the indulgence. In other news, Thanksgiving was great. I opted not to go to the official PC event in order to join a smaller group that went to Las Lajas. Maybe I'll spring for the main event next year. I had some awesome German food though. No turkey. I guess that makes sense because there are a lot of German cultural trappings in the US and it was almost the official language and… ok… I'm stretching it. But we had fun. It gave me a moment to think about really how thankful I am for the friends I've made here. Right before T day, we had our in service training which was GREAT! It motivated more than anything in my service so far. It was led by a lady who graduated from U of Maryland in Linguistics. My future mentor maybe? She dropped some serious teaching science on us and I finally feel prepared to start up the classes again after my trip home for the holidays.

It's been a while since I've heard from a lot of you punks so go ahead and comment letting me know what's going on in your world por favor.

Nuevo Bicho

Randy aka Tiburon

I got a doggie! My community guide and her son left town for Las Tablas weeks ago so they left him to die. He was sick so she probably thought he'd be worm feed by now. (Well... he still is technically, the de-wormer I gave him is still working). Anyway, I was passing by where she used to live and he comes running out to me crying and jumping on me. He remembers me from living at the house and pasearing there, I'm sure. He looks like a total wreck, has snot dripping down his eyes and looks like a twig so even though I wasn't planning on having an extra mouth to feed, I took pity on him. My buddy Mario helped me wash him with some anti-flea soap and picked the DOZENS AND DOZENS of ticks off him. I have never been so greatful for help in my life. I really don't like killing ticks. It's tedious and gross. Afterwards, I cooked the pup some rice. What else could I do? Now, a couple days and a few bowls of Pedigree (that's the generic name for dog food here... I think that's cute) later, he's too spoiled to eat rice anymore. What kind of Panamanian dog turns down rice? Thinks he's an aristocrat apparently...

I'm not going to lie, he's pretty much the ugliest dog I've ever seen. His mouth can't close all the way because he has and extreme overbite, he's scarred from fights and insects, and he's eyes drip goo. I don't pet him much now because I'm waiting for the parasites to clear out but he still wags his tail nonstop at me. He is already such a different animal then when I found him. I don't now much about dog psychology but I think he just needed to feel part of a pack again. And I'm sure having food in his belly for the first time in weeks didn't hurt either.

Because of how Panamanians raise up dogs he's already really well behaved. The only thing is he jumps up on people to greet them. I'm working on that. I used to be upset when Panamanians beat their dogs but now that I've seen how effective it is, I am kind of a fan. I feel weird about saying this but I have to admit, it works. I don't think I'll ever get a dog in the states but if I do, it might have to get smacked once or twice.

Other than this, there isn't too much going on. The new ANAM guy seems a little more aproachable than the old one so hopefully we'll find some work to do. I've been interviewing the teachers for In Service Training this weekend and I'm getting a lot of great information. I have to hand it to Peace Corps, just when it starts to seem like they ask us to do ridiculous assaigments that don't seem to make sense, all of a sudden the master plan becomes clear when you finish. I'm really looking forward to heading to Panama this weekend and coming back to site ready to work!

Back to the drawing board

So after much deliberation I decided to cancel my English Club after the 2nd class of absolutely no one showing up, the forth of three people or less showing. It wasn't even raining! I felt a little insulted because this was the class after our big movie night, where I showed Watchmen and gave everybody popcorn and soda and we all had a good time. We were supposed to talk about the movie and what it can tell us about American culture but no one showed. I'm trying to learn from my mistakes but I can't think for the life of me what kept people from the class besides shear laziness. They aprovechar of the fun stuff we do but they don't want to do the work and think about anything. I think this is illustrated perfectly by the fact that people don't say "Estoy preocupado" which is the dictionary Spanish way to say "I'm worried". Instead they say "Estoy pensado" here, which is dictionary for "I am thinking". Thinking is bad. Thinking is worrying. So let's just eat all the damn popcorn and never do our assignments.

So instead, and I want to run this by El Jefe first so the kids will have to wait until the end of the month, I want to start a turtoring program. I want to go house to house at assigned times. I'm hoping this will reduce abscences and distractions. Truth be told, at the movie night it became apparent to me that the kids use my class to meet up with their little girlfriends safe far from parental or bochinchoso eyes. This explains why they were always leaving the room randomly without permission. They wanted to flirt in privacy.

I think going house to house will be a great step in the right direction, it will get me pasearing more, it will allow me to vary the classes according to English skills. The club had nine through seventeen year olds which was problematic in this regard.

The other news is that someone stole the propane tank and a garden tool from the school. Who does that? Jeez. The police are actually involved now which is a big deal considering that the nearest station is 30 to 45 minutes away. I hope they find the dude that did it but I highly doubt anything will come of the investigation.

What else... I've started mingling more with the extranjeros. Met a Spaniard and his French wife. Met an American/Canadian who is really interested in helping the community. We'll see what happens. I'm tired of taking baby steps but look at what happened when I just jumped into teaching English. It was a waste of two months of my time and now I'm back where I started. I know I sound like I'm ranting but I'm actually in a good mood. I'm just poking a little fun at myself really. I spent all day at the beach with my best buddies in town and then I introduced them to the glory that is Goodfellas. So I have no complaints. I'm even proud of being so quick to dust myself off and plan out this tutoring thing, which I'm sure will have it's own challenges. Also, there is a new ANAM guy I need to introduce myself to so I hope he will be able to help with the vivero thing. I'm not going to let myself get choked out. I am human too and want some dignity. I think you can agree with that, right?