Back in the U S of A!

My vacation home for the holidays went too fast but it was wonderful. I didn't get to see all the people I wanted to but I did my best given the limited time and I am pretty pleased. Even though there was two feet of snow on the ground my heart was warm and toasty being around my loved ones. (Yeah, I said it. Cheeeeeeze). I suppose it hadn't been that long compared with how long some PC volunteers wait to go home but I was still overwhelmed and sniveling with joy when the plane touched down. Then I was in full on tears when I saw my mom and boyfriend who had come to pick me up. It's hard to describe that pure joy of suddenly being surround by people you love and love you after being an alien for 7 months. There is rush of belonging and understanding. All of a sudden everything around makes sense. You know why people are acting the way they are. Order is restored in your little world.

I never thought I'd say this, but the thing I missed most about the US apart from mi gente is convenience. You want hot water? BAM! You want to call someone? BAM! You want to find your favorite chocolate bar? BAM! It's at the store. It is utterly amazing how fast and easily things happen. It is pretty easy to adjust to having a grocery store trip take all day but it is so much nicer when it doesn't.

The only bad thing is that my bag got lost on the way back. The airport thinks that a woman who left a very similar bag probably took mine. I'm doubtful though because why would she leave her bag there for week while she carting around mine? She likes my clothes better maybe? I don't know. The whole thing is suspicious and really inconvient. I even brought home my sheets to wash them and they were in the bag so now I'm sleeping on a filthy bare mattress.

Filth is also taking some getting used to. I'm not a neat freak but I came home to a house full of roach and lizard poop and my water has been running on a trickle or not at all so it's been difficult to make the place liveable again. I swear the roaches launched a colonization campaign while I was gone. I haven't seen this many before but I'm hoping the spray will do the trick.

I started my English tutoring classes yesterday and one household decided to go to a party during scheduled class time and didn't inform me. Big surprise there. And at the other class I only had to wait an hour for the girl to show. Not so bad. The class itself went pretty well. This morning the representate asked me for classes! I would really like to open up some sort of relationship with the dude because theoretically he can help me get stuff done but we'll see how it all pans out.

I hope everyone had great holidays!

JUNTA!!!

December is the time of the Junta de Arroz, which could be Panama's greatest gift to the world. Unfortunately, the rest of the world just hasn't caught on yet. Check this out, cutting rice is hot, boring work so what do the Panamanians do? Turn it into a party! Get your buddies to come get drunk in a field with you while you cut and then have the ladies prepare you some tasty goodness for when you finish. The best part (to my mind) is, people work for free because they know that the guy who owns the farm is going to come cut HIS OWN rice the next week. It's so beautiful. If more things in life could be this way... just people helping each other until the job is done... the world would be a better place.

I haven't actually BEEN to a junta yet because every - single - freaking - time I get invited, something comes up. Ah well... that's just how it goes here. I actually got lost the last time, no easy task where there is really only one road in town, then got sidetracked helping my counterpart in the vivero. I tried to go but on the way back I saw the guys leaving so I knew I had missed it. The community knows I want to learn how to cut so they'll let me know. They seem excited about me joining in, or maybe they just would like the novelty of a female in the finca. I think that being a girl is a plus for this, actually. I won't be forced to drink and I won't be made fun of if I don't work very hard! Unfortunately, I think the arroz is just about cortado all over town but well see if I can help out.

Thanksgiving-type thoughts...

MAKING DIA DE MADRES CARDS!!!

Things are pretty good here these days, in general. I finally feel like I'm starting to adjust to a more Panamanian way of life and what's even better is that I've got some ideas for work to do so I don't have to feel like I'm sitting on my butt all the time. I keep a list of project ideas now and while most of them will come to nothing, it helps keep me focused. Here's what's going on:

1. Work on the vivero to sell plants to support the maintenance of the Centro. (This is a really tough one because my counterpart works in construction so he's gone a lot. Also ANAM can't help when you want to sell the trees. I'm not really clear on the project yet but this group is the one that requested Peace Corps so I'm going to keep at this.)

2. Get a bathroom built in the school. (I'm starting with this one because there is already a plan so it's relatively easy. It's just a matter of coordination and fundraising. Still, something like this could take the whole two years.)

3. Get INADEH to come give a tourism course for the new tourism group.

4. Get a guide in Cero Hoya park. (Probably not going to happen because the guy that came in for ANAM with the new government doesn't really seem into the idea. Que va.)

5. Make signs for the park.

6. Put internet in the Centro. (The kids always come in to play with my computer so if there were internet that would be a huge fundraiser for this place.)

7. Tutoring program. (This is the only definite. I start in January.)

8. Start an English pen pal program with La Zapatosa school when the new school year starts.

9. Create a youth service group… kinda like co-ed boy scouts I guess… I need to think this one out more but the kids really need something to do and a few of them need serious encouragement in being good citizens.

10.Share some "best practices" with the teachers. (I have to do this carefully so I don't come off like some inexperienced snot telling these people who have taught longer than I've been alive what to do. They really do need help though. The teachers teach two classes a piece at once! I think that's the source of a lot of challenges.)

I'm writing this on día de madres which is a huge deal here unlike in the states. However, due to lack of planning and political backbiting there is no celebration this year in my site. I teamed up with an artist extranjera de canadá to host a card making event for the people though. It went pretty well I thought although my friend said it was a pretty small turn out. We were competing with a party for the Reina here AND the Reina in Tonosí though so considering that, I was impressed. [People host these parties to fund the campaign of the Reina, who is kind of like a prom queen but bigger… much bigger. They sell glossy photos of themselves and people vote for them during Carnival.]

On a mental health level, I know I'm starting to adjust because I wasn't miserable at the party for the Reina. I live next-door to the Salon de Eventos so when there is a fiesta there, it is going on at my house as well. The kids come over to play and I have to keep my bathroom open because there isn't one in the Salon, people use my electricity and water, which I pay for… basically I'm always helping at the fiestas whether I feel like it or not. This used to annoy me massively. So… sometime during the night someone dumped my shampoo and filled the bottle with water and I wasn't even really that mad! THAT'S how I know I'm starting to not sweat the small stuff. My expectations are become more in line with Panamanian life and behavior. OF COURSE some kid is going to steal my shampoo if I leave it in the bathroom… or maybe it was some drunk guys that thought it was hand soap… it doesn't matter. The point is I'm starting to expect things like that to happen and when you expect something like that it doesn't get under your skin. Same goes for people throwing trash in the vivero. Same goes for the used toilet paper on the floor. I've been here long enough to know that if I didn't want to pick up poopy paper, I should have provided a trash bag. So what right do I have to be upset? It took me a while but I'm starting to see things from a slightly more campesina view.

I've been visiting with a lot more people now as well, which helps adjustment. I realized that my initial shyness definitely makes me a horrible volunteer so I'm working on that. It's my biggest challenge I think. I need to relearn the way I've lived my entire life for at least the last fifteen years. Honestly, I spent most of my adolescence when I wasn't at school watching television, reading books, or listening to music... and now all of the sudden I'm supposed to be a social butterfly? But that's the Panamanian life. You’re rude if you don’t drop in on people, eat their food, and talk about other people. Everything my momma taught me about being respectful is turned on its head here. I was raised right but raised right for an American and, quite frankly, to be a good Panamanian I need to do things I was taught were disrespectful. This is the biggest challenge in part because it’s something the community absolutely cannot understand. They have no way of knowing what that value shift is like. They have no context for it so they just think I'm depressed or weird or not as fun as the last volunteer. Now that all this is clear to me I can start to make little changes like setting a pasear quota for the day and stuff like that.

This turned out to be more of a diary entry than I intended so I hope you'll excuse the indulgence. In other news, Thanksgiving was great. I opted not to go to the official PC event in order to join a smaller group that went to Las Lajas. Maybe I'll spring for the main event next year. I had some awesome German food though. No turkey. I guess that makes sense because there are a lot of German cultural trappings in the US and it was almost the official language and… ok… I'm stretching it. But we had fun. It gave me a moment to think about really how thankful I am for the friends I've made here. Right before T day, we had our in service training which was GREAT! It motivated more than anything in my service so far. It was led by a lady who graduated from U of Maryland in Linguistics. My future mentor maybe? She dropped some serious teaching science on us and I finally feel prepared to start up the classes again after my trip home for the holidays.

It's been a while since I've heard from a lot of you punks so go ahead and comment letting me know what's going on in your world por favor.

Nuevo Bicho

Randy aka Tiburon

I got a doggie! My community guide and her son left town for Las Tablas weeks ago so they left him to die. He was sick so she probably thought he'd be worm feed by now. (Well... he still is technically, the de-wormer I gave him is still working). Anyway, I was passing by where she used to live and he comes running out to me crying and jumping on me. He remembers me from living at the house and pasearing there, I'm sure. He looks like a total wreck, has snot dripping down his eyes and looks like a twig so even though I wasn't planning on having an extra mouth to feed, I took pity on him. My buddy Mario helped me wash him with some anti-flea soap and picked the DOZENS AND DOZENS of ticks off him. I have never been so greatful for help in my life. I really don't like killing ticks. It's tedious and gross. Afterwards, I cooked the pup some rice. What else could I do? Now, a couple days and a few bowls of Pedigree (that's the generic name for dog food here... I think that's cute) later, he's too spoiled to eat rice anymore. What kind of Panamanian dog turns down rice? Thinks he's an aristocrat apparently...

I'm not going to lie, he's pretty much the ugliest dog I've ever seen. His mouth can't close all the way because he has and extreme overbite, he's scarred from fights and insects, and he's eyes drip goo. I don't pet him much now because I'm waiting for the parasites to clear out but he still wags his tail nonstop at me. He is already such a different animal then when I found him. I don't now much about dog psychology but I think he just needed to feel part of a pack again. And I'm sure having food in his belly for the first time in weeks didn't hurt either.

Because of how Panamanians raise up dogs he's already really well behaved. The only thing is he jumps up on people to greet them. I'm working on that. I used to be upset when Panamanians beat their dogs but now that I've seen how effective it is, I am kind of a fan. I feel weird about saying this but I have to admit, it works. I don't think I'll ever get a dog in the states but if I do, it might have to get smacked once or twice.

Other than this, there isn't too much going on. The new ANAM guy seems a little more aproachable than the old one so hopefully we'll find some work to do. I've been interviewing the teachers for In Service Training this weekend and I'm getting a lot of great information. I have to hand it to Peace Corps, just when it starts to seem like they ask us to do ridiculous assaigments that don't seem to make sense, all of a sudden the master plan becomes clear when you finish. I'm really looking forward to heading to Panama this weekend and coming back to site ready to work!

Back to the drawing board

So after much deliberation I decided to cancel my English Club after the 2nd class of absolutely no one showing up, the forth of three people or less showing. It wasn't even raining! I felt a little insulted because this was the class after our big movie night, where I showed Watchmen and gave everybody popcorn and soda and we all had a good time. We were supposed to talk about the movie and what it can tell us about American culture but no one showed. I'm trying to learn from my mistakes but I can't think for the life of me what kept people from the class besides shear laziness. They aprovechar of the fun stuff we do but they don't want to do the work and think about anything. I think this is illustrated perfectly by the fact that people don't say "Estoy preocupado" which is the dictionary Spanish way to say "I'm worried". Instead they say "Estoy pensado" here, which is dictionary for "I am thinking". Thinking is bad. Thinking is worrying. So let's just eat all the damn popcorn and never do our assignments.

So instead, and I want to run this by El Jefe first so the kids will have to wait until the end of the month, I want to start a turtoring program. I want to go house to house at assigned times. I'm hoping this will reduce abscences and distractions. Truth be told, at the movie night it became apparent to me that the kids use my class to meet up with their little girlfriends safe far from parental or bochinchoso eyes. This explains why they were always leaving the room randomly without permission. They wanted to flirt in privacy.

I think going house to house will be a great step in the right direction, it will get me pasearing more, it will allow me to vary the classes according to English skills. The club had nine through seventeen year olds which was problematic in this regard.

The other news is that someone stole the propane tank and a garden tool from the school. Who does that? Jeez. The police are actually involved now which is a big deal considering that the nearest station is 30 to 45 minutes away. I hope they find the dude that did it but I highly doubt anything will come of the investigation.

What else... I've started mingling more with the extranjeros. Met a Spaniard and his French wife. Met an American/Canadian who is really interested in helping the community. We'll see what happens. I'm tired of taking baby steps but look at what happened when I just jumped into teaching English. It was a waste of two months of my time and now I'm back where I started. I know I sound like I'm ranting but I'm actually in a good mood. I'm just poking a little fun at myself really. I spent all day at the beach with my best buddies in town and then I introduced them to the glory that is Goodfellas. So I have no complaints. I'm even proud of being so quick to dust myself off and plan out this tutoring thing, which I'm sure will have it's own challenges. Also, there is a new ANAM guy I need to introduce myself to so I hope he will be able to help with the vivero thing. I'm not going to let myself get choked out. I am human too and want some dignity. I think you can agree with that, right?

Caroline demands a post and I say "How long?"

So I do feel like I should say something on this blog but I don't know what. (Haven't I started the last three posts like that now?) I'm just gonna ramble. There has been a long going on is some ways and absolutely nothing going on in others. I went to Panama for a long weekend to chill with my Peace Corps buddies. It's always amazing to me how PC lets you spend time such a wide range of personalites and that always leads to good time. I spent too much money but it was all worth it. I spent a day's pay on a book. WOOT! I saw Inglorious Basterds and it was great. Killing Nazis for 2hrs plus? YES PLEASE! Also, I ATE A BAGEL!!! AND INDIAN FOOD!!! It was really overwhelming to be around that much light and sound after being in the campo so long. I felt shell shocked but in a good way. There were a few funny stories that came out of it but I don't want to waste your time here. I'm sure it'll all come out eventually. Ask me.

So I was glad to be back in site and rock out a good English Club class even though I was super tired. The numbers for the English Club have plummited but I think that's a good thing. The kids that just come to play with the furniture or flirt with the girls don't show up as often now.

Saturday we had a big party and it was pretty cool. Though, I did lose my cool with this one old dude who would not leave me alone and I started cursing at him in English. I know that it's just a cultural difference but it gets under my skin when a man is that much of a pest and don't take "leave me alone" for an answer. I like almost everyone in my community but when there is a fiesta and the guys are all drunk and clingy it creates an illusion of danger and I get super testy. BUT! on the bright side this one woman started talking to the viejo for me saying "You have to respect her" and such. The whole time she was acting like I were her child (in a good way) and it was really comforting to know that someone has my back. The early hours of the fiesta were really great. There was a parade and singing. It was to celebrate campesino culture so there was dancing, polleras, tamborito and all that stuff I am fond of. And hojaldres. God I love hojaldres.

Honestly, today I'm a little down because I really need to have work to do. I have way too much time to sit and think about all the choices I've made in my life and the choices of humanity in general and if we have HAVE choices and so on that it's making me a little nuts. Plus, I've been taking a crack at reading the Bible again and that always puts me on edge. Divine justice does not look kindly on idle hands. And what does it mean that I favor justice over compassion these days?

TANGENT ABOUT JUSTICE: So I bought a copy of Che, the Benicio Del Toro flick, and while I haven't decided whether or not it's a good movie yet (leaning toward no), I give them mad props for showing El Comandante actually ordering an execution! He's always held up as such a martyr of struggle (Don't you know the man had crippling asthma!), justice and enlightened revolution that people forget that he was a soldier who went around Latin America killing people. Those were his actions. He gave people hope, gave good speeches, and wrote heart wrenchingly about the plight of the landless but really, in the end, he popped caps in people. So when does murder become justice? When it is defended with a myth, or something bigger? When you can say that it's for God? Or for the People? Or for the State? Being here in Central America is rekindling my interest in Che but definitely changing the questions I ask about his life and work.

Anyway... I've been three days with no water either so that's also bumming me out. Not the end of the world but irritating nonetheless. They always say that your service is what you make it and maybe I haven't been trying hard enough. Or maybe that's just the protestant culture that I carry.

Screw it, BAILAMOS!

Panama Firsts

WALT, THIS IS FOR YOU!!!


Things I Had Never Done Before Peace Corps (besides the normal speak Spanish/ meet Panamanians type stuff)

Eaten a turtle egg
Made hojaldres! YUUUUUUUUUUUM!!!
Been so excited to eat fresh black pepper. This actually goes for a lot of foods. MUSTARD!!! HONEY!!! BREAD!!!
Been so hungry that I didn't mind fake yellow cheese
Had someone offer to buy Maria cookies off of me
Seen that my cereal was crawling with ants but eating it anyway, after trying to sift them out, of course
Seen a cock fight
Seen a rodeo
Showered in a sink
Showered outside with a bucket in the dark but still in plain view of the Ngobe community
Desperately pooped behind a tree on the beach then wiped with my Spanish workbook
(In a related first) almost od'ed on antibiotics because the doc didn't say I should take each course separately
Been pooped on by a lizard
Been bitten by an iguana
Enjoyed being at a dance club
Had to wait by the side of the road for a good long minute because a herd of cows were passing
Played hand drums while we all jammed some tamborito tunes
Waded through calf deep swamp muck just because I was curious about where the path went to
Had so many 8 to 13 year old male friends... well... really they just like the SNES games on my computer
Swam in the Caribbean and the Pacific within the same month or so
Had bug bites on my privates